26 of the BEST TWEETS EVER (A-Z)
Twitter turned 5 years old on March 21st and to commemorate this, I decided to host my own BEST OF TWITTER series. I origininally intended it to be a single post, but it became too much so I split it up into 4 parts. Now that it is completed, I thought I would be nice and collect it into one post and make it a page for you all. (Aww, what a nice guy that Tony Vote is…)
Lacking pockets, I put my iPhone in my bra. My boobs had a heyday deleting apps and calling people.
Catastrophe is a strong word, let’s all agree to call it a whoopsie daisy.
HE WAS MARRIED W/KIDS (let me know an hour in) & he wanted me to meet his wife for a 3some – do i win a prize? worst date ever #badfirstdate
How do you know how I feel when I wake up in the morning?????
conceptually, i struggle to fully comprehend why showers get dirty.
I gave a tramp a Cuban cigar today. Hey, I can afford it and anyway he always calls me Sir… respect goes a long way in my world.
Forming a coalition government with my wife to take control of the house back from my cat. Your reign of terror is over, fish breath.
This is not the greatest tweet in the world… it is a tribute… a tribute to the greatest tweet in the world.
(Shout out to whoever gets this reference.)
It’s Thursday, which is “Friday Eve” in Optimisian.
love how some dudes hate me for dating their fantasy girl, as if they were going to if I hadn’t.
K: Kanye West
Boyfriends are like rush hour traffic… ALWAYS IN THE FUCKING WAY!
MY BOY JAY-Z AND I ARE IN THE LAB WORKING ON A SONG. RIGHT NOW THE HOOK GOES “OH LEBRON YOU SO LEBRON” I’M LIKE YEAH BOY BUT JAY SEEMS SAD.
M: Mos Def
I heard Justin Bieber has a 10 inch dick, but its in his ass and belongs to Usher
[Now, I had to link to the actual tweet here. I needed to supply the correct proof.]
N: Neil Patrick Harris (ActuallyNPH)
I’m a grown man. I’m 37 years old. And yet, I still giggle when anyone says the word ‘duty’. Why is that?
Man I’m waking up feeling great, it don’t matter what anybody says but this damn mirror don’t lie, I look good than a mothafucka,shit!!!!!
There is only one Friday the 13th this year, and it’s in August! So I replaced my Mr. T cereal this morning with Lucky Charms.
R: R Kelly
In order to be remembered you have to do something unforgettable.
Steven Tyler shops in the Funky Mom section
[-O] I wish this damn car alarm would either stay on or STFU, but NOT BOTH IN 2MIN INTERVALS…..*sigh*…….
If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for sexual favor.
One Out of Four People in this Word is Mentally Unbalanced. Think of your 3 Closest Friends, if They Seems OK, Then UR the 1.
Tomorrow is talk like me day. The Shatner Project has a new video to celebrate. My best, Bill http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9IdUMwWhao
You ever notice most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put “anal” in front?
Probe, Explorer, Excursion…
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. Pee is yellow. Shit is brown. I am drunk. This is a tweet.
“Premature ejaculating cow.”
“MOOOO! G’night, honey. zzzzzzzz”