26 of the BEST TWEETS EVER (A-Z)


Twitter turned 5 years old on March 21st and to commemorate this, I decided to host my own BEST OF TWITTER series. I origininally intended it to be a single post, but it became too much so I split it up into 4 parts. Now that it is completed, I thought I would be nice and collect it into one post and make it a page for you all. (Aww, what a nice guy that Tony Vote is…)

A: AuntMarvel:

Lacking pockets, I put my iPhone in my bra. My boobs had a heyday deleting apps and calling people.

B: BPGlobalPR

Catastrophe is a strong word, let’s all agree to call it a whoopsie daisy.

C: ColetteBenoir

HE WAS MARRIED W/KIDS (let me know an hour in) & he wanted me to meet his wife for a 3some – do i win a prize? worst date ever #badfirstdate

D: Diddy

How do you know how I feel when I wake up in the morning?????

E: echuckles

conceptually, i struggle to fully comprehend why showers get dirty.

F:

I gave a tramp a Cuban cigar today. Hey, I can afford it and anyway he always calls me Sir… respect goes a long way in my world.

G: globalhermit

Forming a coalition government with my wife to take control of the house back from my cat. Your reign of terror is over, fish breath.

H: happybanana

This is not the greatest tweet in the world… it is a tribute… a tribute to the greatest tweet in the world.

(Shout out to whoever gets this reference.)

I: illuminatedNO

It’s Thursday, which is “Friday Eve” in Optimisian.

J:

love how some dudes hate me for dating their fantasy girl, as if they were going to if I hadn’t.

K: Kanye West

Boyfriends are like rush hour traffic… ALWAYS IN THE FUCKING WAY!

L:

MY BOY JAY-Z AND I ARE IN THE LAB WORKING ON A SONG. RIGHT NOW THE HOOK GOES “OH LEBRON YOU SO LEBRON” I’M LIKE YEAH BOY BUT JAY SEEMS SAD.

M: Mos Def

I heard Justin Bieber has a 10 inch dick, but its in his ass and belongs to Usher

[Now, I had to link to the actual tweet here. I needed to supply the correct proof.]

N: Neil Patrick Harris (

I’m a grown man. I’m 37 years old. And yet, I still giggle when anyone says the word ‘duty’. Why is that?

O:

Man I’m waking up feeling great, it don’t matter what anybody says but this damn mirror don’t lie, I look good than a mothafucka,shit!!!!!

P:

There is only one Friday the 13th this year, and it’s in August! So I replaced my Mr. T cereal this morning with Lucky Charms.

Q:

idk what’s more surreal – judy blume being on twitter (@judyblume) or my finding out this fact via @questlove.

R: R Kelly

In order to be remembered you have to do something unforgettable.

S:

Steven Tyler shops in the Funky Mom section

T: twishes

[-O] I wish this damn car alarm would either stay on or STFU, but NOT BOTH IN 2MIN INTERVALS…..*sigh*…….

U: UNTRESOR

If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for sexual favor.

V: ViruSoul

One Out of Four People in this Word is Mentally Unbalanced. Think of your 3 Closest Friends, if They Seems OK, Then UR the 1.

W:

Tomorrow is talk like me day. The Shatner Project has a new video to celebrate. My best, Bill http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9IdUMwWhao

X: Xytrex

You ever notice most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put “anal” in front?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion…

Y: YeahImAshley

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. Pee is yellow. Shit is brown. I am drunk. This is a tweet.

Z: Zaius13

“Knock knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“Premature ejaculating cow.”
“Premature eja–”
“MOOOO! G’night, honey. zzzzzzzz”

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